Adieu Avi

A new beginning. A new light. A new hope. A new friendship.

Another goodbye. Another farewell.

A bud that I nurtured and cared is about to bloom. An emancipation. A freedom. A decision. A choice.

Tears will flow. But not solely from sadness. A part wants to rejoice and celebrate. While the other half wants to hide and cry.

I won’t hold you back for I know its what’s best. Rather than keep you here, and have the same blurred future.

A new day. A new friendship. A new life.

Farewell my good ‘ol friend.

The Ugly Truth Behind The Mask

 

 

 

Another day. Another life. Another goodbye…

 

Gently I remove the mask I have on. The happy face that everybody likes and draws strength from will temporarily say goodbye for now. Time to put it all in my box of ‘yesterdays’. Time for reality. Time for reflection. Time to think. Time for myself.

I checked the walls of my Citadel looking for cracks where true emotions might slip out. I found none. I felt safe.

Looking at the mirror, I examined every bit of my face. Every contour, shape and wrinkle checked thoroughly. Everything is the same. Same old me. Until I saw the eyes…

Haunted – that’s the term I’ll use to describe what I saw. Looking but not really seeing. Hollow. Void. Empty.

A teardrop fell. And another one. It seemed like it doesn’t want to stop. It kept on flowing and flowing and flowing. Crazy really.

The deepest recesses of my emotion now lies wide open. The blazing scars I kept hidden from the world all came out tumbling down into a disparaging wallop.

I know this is just a phase. I know I can fight this turmoil. I know I can overcome this depression. But not now. At least not yet…

For now, I will let these tears wash away the dark clouds looming up above. I will let this spirit free as the walls I’ve protected for some time feels like they’re about to break and give up. For now, I will let the great depression take over in order for me to see brighter options waiting to be explored. For now, I will succumb to the carnal urge to cry. For now, I will be me.

Blast From The Past

I am not stupid. And I never will be.

I got a call from a friend asking me if I know about the “post and comments” over the holiday season by someone from the past. I wasn’t aware of it and I didn’t know they were talking about me.

Things were said about me being “invested on” and I “ran away” with all the riches in the world. Not true.

To clear things out, I didn’t ran. Who did anyway? I’ve my passport and my apartment receipts to prove it.

They know where to find me. But they didn’t have the balls to face me.

I deserve better than a phone call. I deserve more than mere text messages. And I am definitely worth more than a Facebook message.

You want your things back? Go get ‘em. I ain’t ‘gon ship those craps and waste my time on someone who clearly talks shit about me behind my back. Worthless.

And to your dear friend, you obviously don’t know the whole story so you better shut the fuck up.

How My Mom Said Goodbye

3:00 am

“Marc”

“Po?”

“Halika sandali”

“Bakit po?”

“Open mo nga yung electric fan anak at naiinitan ako”

“Opo”

I entered her room, shocked at what I saw.
Her sitting at the side of the bed,
Trash bin held tightly.
And blood…
Fresh blood…
All over the floor.

I sat next to her and started rubbing her back.

“OK ka lang po ba ‘Ma?”

“Paki tapat mo sa’kin yung electric fan ‘nak ko”

I did what she asked and sat back next to her.
She looked at me and said

“‘Wag mo hahawakan yang dugo”

I held her arm and replied

“Opo”

She coughed. But not just any ordinary cough.
She coughed again and there was blood.

“OK ka lang po ba ‘Ma? Uminom ka ba ng gamot kanina?”

She looked at me again with tears in her eyes

“Pa’no ka na ‘pag wala na ako?”

“Ano ka ba ‘Ma?! Ano ba yang sinasabi mo? ‘Wag ka nga magsalita ng ganyan”

“Tinatawag na ako ng Daddy mo”

“Shh! Itigil na nga yan ganyan ‘Ma!”

“‘Wag kayo maga-away nila kuya mo ha?”

“Opo. Itigil na yang ganyang mga statements!”

She coughed again.
This time, there was a big chunk of blood that came out.
A big chunk.

She held my arm.
I held her arm tighter.
She looked at me again.
I touched her face.
She looked at the crucifix,
Inhaled deeply,
And closed her eyes…

“Ma!”

She didn’t open her eyes.
I called again

“Ma!”

She didn’t even move.

Then I felt her skin.
It was cold as ice.

And that’s when I realized,
She’s gone…

———————————————————————

4:00 am

“Hello?”

“Kuya si Mama!”

“Oh bakit?”

“Kuya si Mama!”

“Bakit nga?!”

“Wala na si Mama”

“Ha? Anong wala na si Mama?”

“Wala na si Mama”

Then silence…

“Pupunta na ako jan”

“Kuya wala na si Mama”

Tears falling, I kept saying those words.

“Kuya wala na si Mama”

“Pupunta na ako jan. Tawag ka sa kabila”

“Kuya wala na si Mama”

Silence…

———————————————————————

I can’t really remember what happened next.
Everything was a blur.
Or maybe my mind blocked them out…

———————————————————————

She was my motivator.
She was my inspiration.
She was my best friend.

To the strongest person I know,

My Mom,

I salute you,
I love you!
And I miss you…